come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize