I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
