u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
