I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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