He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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