The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize