There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I love you. Go after that dick
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
