dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just gargled with NyQuil
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
