i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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