so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
