I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
