My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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