Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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