I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
