Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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