Your dad touched me again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
