why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
