So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
