There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
