Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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