And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
