guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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