By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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