I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
