I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
