A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
