You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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