i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
