i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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