I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
