its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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