U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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