Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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