bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
