Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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