I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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