I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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