It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
