Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
