Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
