I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
