did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
