so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
