I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
