I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
