Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
