Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
