A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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