Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
