I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
