oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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