We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Randomize
