Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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