So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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