At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
