apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
