i may or may not be watching the land before time
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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