The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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