cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this beer tastes like vomit already
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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