Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
