So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
