Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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