youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
